“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free