*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement