Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date