Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT鈥橲 GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I鈥橪L NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY鈥攐h, here it is.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
fianc茅e: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
You鈥檙e never too old to set goals. For example, today I鈥檓 not going to pee in my pants.
Wife: How鈥檇 you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
I鈥檓 in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
my kid can鈥檛 remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
The DaVinci Code but it鈥檚 just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler鈥檚 bed
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.