Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.