Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
want me to check your oil?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.