@Lola_Areola: Four year olds can't even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee with ring box] GF: OMG! Me: Babe? GF: Yes? Me: One ring to rule them all. [I put on the ring and vanish forever]
@jazmasta: *ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work* "Big mac please" "Would u like LIES with that?!" *my boss dragging me away* "LIES, LUCY.. LIES!"
@HeyZeus666: I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I'm going to have to read it upside down.
@jlock17: So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."