Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in