Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Monica just destroyed the internet
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
The asteroid..
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with