Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me as a therapist: omg same
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull