Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Not today. 😅
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.