God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”