If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You Might Also Like
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
A friend helps you before you need it
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.