Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god