[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.