[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Have kids, they said
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday