Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
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stand with me against insufficient seating
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Thrilling chase underway
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
inside you are two wolves
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly