Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’m awake but I object,
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
IT’S-A ME,