Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You Might Also Like
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.