Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids