I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Lmao the reply
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger