[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.