I can fix him.
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker