[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
it must be school picture day
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?