[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
You Might Also Like
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
So we got a goldfish…
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you