Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!