freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
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Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.