Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*