Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song