fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.