My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Girl, same.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My sex drive has a dui
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.