Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
wut hotdog?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.