Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Important
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb