*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in