– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You Might Also Like
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!