Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
You Might Also Like
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
We’ve all been there…
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*