[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
let’s discuss
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.