[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart