Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Trying
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please