Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”