FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Buying a well is money well spent.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Wikigenius
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT