FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww