When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
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this has to be peak English
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?