My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Cha-ching is my safe word
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
kitchen magnet
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.