free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
mariah carrie
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
all bases covered
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.