@TheTweetOfGod: Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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@Cait_Plus_Eight: Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying "keep in touch" after they let you go.
@CulturedRuffian: I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
@simoncholland: [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
@KentWGraham: Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.