@TheTweetOfGod: Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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@Vodkantots: Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.
@WHEREISWALTJNR: I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
@HeidiCF8: Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
@kelkulus: Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we're pigs.