[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT