[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
You Might Also Like
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.