[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
OMG 🤣🤣