Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit