RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“i miss shittin on people”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs